It is amazing how we are unaware of actions that are derived from our habits and their ultimate influence on our world. There is always a reason for the experiences we have, we may use the Lord, blame upbringing or provide a myriad of other reasons but when it gets down to the bottom line, it is our own habits and lifestyle choices that cause the dilemmas in which we find ourselves.
We arrive at people, events and places in life that begin to challenge the very foundational aspect of our existence. We believe that we are perfect and infallible and ascribe all our decisions and choices to the Divine when in fact, based on the fruit, some clearly had no genesis in God.
To what then should we ascribe our decision? Is it personal bias, personal longing, desire to demonstrate a certain persona, or to further our sense and habit of controlling others by circuitous and subtle emotional, spiritual and physical strategies. It may be all or some.
But these are roadblock to developing a sound, rewarding and supportive relationship with our significant other or even our peers. These roadblocks to communication can stop communication dead in its tracks:
1. Instead of ‘active listening’ we hear what we want to and begin to use the “Why” questions. ‘Why’ questions tend to make people defensive, they send a message of doubt in the person’s cognitive and decision-making ability. NOT GOOD my friend.
2. The quick response to someone’s communication, saying things like, “Don’t worry about that” again demonstrates either your disinterest or your discomfort with the communicator’s abilities.
3. Then we have the entrance of the mode of Advising — “I think the best thing for you is to move to Kingston, or to do this or that.” It would be a better approach, when dealing with mature, stable and steady individuals to ‘ask,’ ‘how can I help?’ without first telling what they should. You may be absolutely on target with the advice but wrong in your approach.
4. Digging for information and forcing someone to talk about something they would rather not talk about. Especially, when an answer was already provided but you fail to accept it because of bias or for any other reason.
5. Patronizing — “You poor thing, I am here to fix your life.” What an incredible position to have, you, singularly, will correct all the ills that someone didn’t know, acknowledge or think they had. I believe this is God’s own territory, never man’s.
6. Preaching — “You should. . .” Or, “You shouldn’t. . .”
7. Interrupting — shows you aren’t interested in what someone is saying. I have had the occasion to recently observe communication that was started and in the middle of the conversation interrupted and the ‘interrupter’ just moved right along leaving the others in a mid-air hover wondering, ‘what just happened?”
Friends, many of us are no longer the young, roll with the punches, individuals we were in our teens. We have established the patterns of communication that we expect from our peer relationships and when it falls short, we are not always apt or willing to pursue a path of correction. Why not? It takes too much energy, too much time and can be an impossible situation to remedy if they are not aware of their own issues and willing to address them.
What does it take? Looking into the mirror of our lives and not seeing someone else but seeing us for who we really are. Then and only then will there be a possibility of developing a good sound means of communication in our relationships:
1. People won’t talk, because we don’t really listen
2. People won’t want relationship because they perceive that we want to control them
3. People won’t be vulnerable, because we are deprecating towards them
4. People won’t love because we demand it rather than earn it
5. People won’t change because change was your idea, not theirs
Learn to live, love, and have a life that is in Christ, one that cares for each other in the simplicity of His love and His compassion. Put away the self help books, the ‘divined’ excuses, and the false sense of superiority – find Christ, His humility and his compassion and find LOVE.
Pastor Winston Watson
Acts Church Jamaica
We arrive at people, events and places in life that begin to challenge the very foundational aspect of our existence. We believe that we are perfect and infallible and ascribe all our decisions and choices to the Divine when in fact, based on the fruit, some clearly had no genesis in God.
To what then should we ascribe our decision? Is it personal bias, personal longing, desire to demonstrate a certain persona, or to further our sense and habit of controlling others by circuitous and subtle emotional, spiritual and physical strategies. It may be all or some.
But these are roadblock to developing a sound, rewarding and supportive relationship with our significant other or even our peers. These roadblocks to communication can stop communication dead in its tracks:
1. Instead of ‘active listening’ we hear what we want to and begin to use the “Why” questions. ‘Why’ questions tend to make people defensive, they send a message of doubt in the person’s cognitive and decision-making ability. NOT GOOD my friend.
2. The quick response to someone’s communication, saying things like, “Don’t worry about that” again demonstrates either your disinterest or your discomfort with the communicator’s abilities.
3. Then we have the entrance of the mode of Advising — “I think the best thing for you is to move to Kingston, or to do this or that.” It would be a better approach, when dealing with mature, stable and steady individuals to ‘ask,’ ‘how can I help?’ without first telling what they should. You may be absolutely on target with the advice but wrong in your approach.
4. Digging for information and forcing someone to talk about something they would rather not talk about. Especially, when an answer was already provided but you fail to accept it because of bias or for any other reason.
5. Patronizing — “You poor thing, I am here to fix your life.” What an incredible position to have, you, singularly, will correct all the ills that someone didn’t know, acknowledge or think they had. I believe this is God’s own territory, never man’s.
6. Preaching — “You should. . .” Or, “You shouldn’t. . .”
7. Interrupting — shows you aren’t interested in what someone is saying. I have had the occasion to recently observe communication that was started and in the middle of the conversation interrupted and the ‘interrupter’ just moved right along leaving the others in a mid-air hover wondering, ‘what just happened?”
Friends, many of us are no longer the young, roll with the punches, individuals we were in our teens. We have established the patterns of communication that we expect from our peer relationships and when it falls short, we are not always apt or willing to pursue a path of correction. Why not? It takes too much energy, too much time and can be an impossible situation to remedy if they are not aware of their own issues and willing to address them.
What does it take? Looking into the mirror of our lives and not seeing someone else but seeing us for who we really are. Then and only then will there be a possibility of developing a good sound means of communication in our relationships:
1. People won’t talk, because we don’t really listen
2. People won’t want relationship because they perceive that we want to control them
3. People won’t be vulnerable, because we are deprecating towards them
4. People won’t love because we demand it rather than earn it
5. People won’t change because change was your idea, not theirs
Learn to live, love, and have a life that is in Christ, one that cares for each other in the simplicity of His love and His compassion. Put away the self help books, the ‘divined’ excuses, and the false sense of superiority – find Christ, His humility and his compassion and find LOVE.
Pastor Winston Watson
Acts Church Jamaica
