Here are 8 ways you can bet you’re ruining your relationship and heading to splitsville.
1. Take your partner for granted.
There’s no better way to help hurry the end of the relationship than to just assume your partner is always there to make your life easier. Why are you together anyway? Is it just for you and your desires to be satisfied? I believe we should review, in our relationship, why we got together in the first place. Are “we” in this or are “you” in this?
It can be a death knell to make demands different from what was already tabled, understood and settled. Your partner may give in, but do you really think it does not have a negative impact when you change the rules in the middle of the game?
2. Stop talking.
You may talk too much. Your partner may not be a surefooted in their expressing their feelings and thoughts. You may be specific, precise and calculating. Our own actions can disrupt relationships equilibrium when we decide we know it all and we listen to only our desire and not the other party.
In any new relationship, to say to someone “be quiet” or any variance of expression like that is shooting your relationship in the foot. First, men don’t take kindly to such expressions from anyone and a new relationship, on embryonic ground in the first place, can be devastated by this attitude.
3. Expressing your feelings.
Feelings expressed in passing, expressed without directly addressing the object of our communication can be destructive. How would you react to your friend or family member sitting next to you, saying all sorts of negative things about you and acting as if you were nowhere in the room.
Unfortunately, we do this and may feel justified in some way but there is no justification for such actions. I would characterize this behavior as abuse that will ultimately result in the emasculation of men and the lowering of self esteem in both men and women.
4. Stop listening.
Nobody likes to not be heard. So there’s no better way to kill a relationship than to stop listening to what your partner has to say. Having your partner constantly repeat, or having to clarify, or having to say you didn’t hear the whole story is not a good way to start your marriage.
No matter what you may think or verbally convey - It shows a lack of respect for the person, and of course your significant other will pick up on the fact that you’re no longer (or never was) listening. If nobody’s listening, how can a relationship grow or thrive? Especially important is something called active listening, which shows your partner you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
As a Christian we may say, well, we are listening to God, oh now, I believe that to be a cop out to not take the responsibility to listen to our partner and adjust our behavior. We conveniently let God tell us we are OK, tell us this or that to console us while not paying attention to our personal actions that destroy our very relationship.
5. Kill the fun.
We hook up together in life for many reasons — shared perspectives and outlooks, physical attraction, shared spirituality, shared professional lives, etc. But we also enjoy one another’s company because it’s fun!
We all know that marriage is ‘WORK’ but at times we don’t realize how we begin to nullify the ‘fun’ part by our habitual behavior. What do I mean?
1.If we don’t get our way, the tantrum mode kicks in. Now don’t always think that a tantrum is loud and characterized by the child on the floor flailing hands and feet around. There can be a calculated verbal tirade, in very quite tone that has the same effect.
2.What it does is make the object of the outburst feel inadequate, lacking in whatever the verbal train carries as weight and results in the communication engine shutting down.
When fun leaves a relationship, it can be a sign that the relationship is heading to the rocks. Fun is a part of life and it’s definitely a part of any healthy relationship. By the way, fun is not joking about your partner in ways that denigrate or makes them fell less than they should.
6. Nitpick.
Boy, how we are guilty of this one! Many have probably nitpicked a few past relationships into an early death. Not because they wanted to, but because it was a personal concern whose impact the individuals never fully understood (until it was too late).
Nobody likes being told what to do, or how to do it. While some people may be more open to “suggestions” than other from their helpful partner, it can also be seen as nitpicking for little good reason.
Really? There’s a “better” way to clean the sink? That’s nice… use it the next time you do it then.
When you want to nitpick nowadays, just keep in mind that if you want to go to the trouble of offering unrequested advice, you might as well suggest you do it yourself.
Nitpicking may be a sign of needing to “control” others, but it may also just be a sign of the way some people were brought up. In any case, it’s a bad habit and one you should try and curtail in your relationship.
One aspect of nitpicking I’ve noticed is the constant correction that some spouses offload on the other. I was in an airport recently and noticed an older African American couple, the female was constantly badgering the male, go here, go there, do this do that! I watched him, his demeanor and his body language - it was as if he had resigned himself to listening and ignoring.
This may have not been a big issue for a couple married for fifty years, but let me caution you that it is a problem for new relationships. No one likes to be badgered and even if there are mistakes made, sometimes we should just let it be. Human beings make mistakes and constantly needling someone will never bring the fruit of a good sound relationship to the reality of our lives.
7. Threaten.
Wow, threatening your significant other is such a turn-on. Yeah, no it’s not. Whether you’re threatening to leave, chop off a bit of anatomy, tell someone’s parents, or find a better life in Maui, it’s never a good sign for a healthy relationship.
I encountered the threats of family members knowing this or that, the threat of what others might say about your relationship. None of this serves Godly or a positive purpose in your relationship. What will inevitably happen, sometime sooner or later is that the object of the threats will just take you to task and begin to ignore or just not do what is being demanded. Human nature is phenomenally complex, and the very thing that we want we begin to cause to not come to us because of our behavior. Please read, “Leadership and Self Deception” by the Arbinger Group – it is an eye opening discussion of how we cause ourselves to miss out on expectations because our actions nullify or void the very thing we are desiring.
Threats are often made in an act of desperation or feeling like a situation is out of control — the threat is an attempt to regain control. However, threats are juvenile and more suited for children’s temper tantrums than an adult, mature relationship. When a partner resorts to threats, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship’s long-term potential. And, if the threats start day one, what may be concluded?
8. Ignore your partner’s life and passion.
They say the one thing worse than being hated by someone is simply to be ignored by them. Being ignored means the person doesn’t even care enough to waste the energy of anger on you or your heart’s passion.
Some of us believe that when we get into a new relationship, one must drop everything and take up your passion, your desire, your purpose. That is a clearly one sided approach to relationship, have you ever considered what makes your partner get up in the morning, what is their hearts desire? And when they share, what do you say; do you minimize their thoughts, life, history and accomplishments? Or, do you encourage and support them in what they are doing and allow them to join you? So many of us are selfish and one sided in our approach to fall/winter relationships where family must be forgotten, career must be dropped and friends must go to facilitate something new.
SUMMARY
Let’s come back to reality, our life and its relationships require WORK between two, it cannot be one sided and the blame game like a tennis ball being lobbed across the net. Sometimes we feel that before we can get one return, several balls have come across to our side.
Is there an answer to all of this? Yes, an introspective look at what we have in our life that has contributed to bad habits, deep hurting words and actions that sear into our partners heart and life and renders them calloused or wounded enough to never want to have another relationship. Can we recover, yes, but it must be a personal look inside, stop trying to forgive the other, stop trying to figure out the other, begin to review yourself and determine what is necessary for the future.
As a well know chorus says, “it not about me!”
.
1. Take your partner for granted.
There’s no better way to help hurry the end of the relationship than to just assume your partner is always there to make your life easier. Why are you together anyway? Is it just for you and your desires to be satisfied? I believe we should review, in our relationship, why we got together in the first place. Are “we” in this or are “you” in this?
It can be a death knell to make demands different from what was already tabled, understood and settled. Your partner may give in, but do you really think it does not have a negative impact when you change the rules in the middle of the game?
2. Stop talking.
You may talk too much. Your partner may not be a surefooted in their expressing their feelings and thoughts. You may be specific, precise and calculating. Our own actions can disrupt relationships equilibrium when we decide we know it all and we listen to only our desire and not the other party.
In any new relationship, to say to someone “be quiet” or any variance of expression like that is shooting your relationship in the foot. First, men don’t take kindly to such expressions from anyone and a new relationship, on embryonic ground in the first place, can be devastated by this attitude.
3. Expressing your feelings.
Feelings expressed in passing, expressed without directly addressing the object of our communication can be destructive. How would you react to your friend or family member sitting next to you, saying all sorts of negative things about you and acting as if you were nowhere in the room.
Unfortunately, we do this and may feel justified in some way but there is no justification for such actions. I would characterize this behavior as abuse that will ultimately result in the emasculation of men and the lowering of self esteem in both men and women.
4. Stop listening.
Nobody likes to not be heard. So there’s no better way to kill a relationship than to stop listening to what your partner has to say. Having your partner constantly repeat, or having to clarify, or having to say you didn’t hear the whole story is not a good way to start your marriage.
No matter what you may think or verbally convey - It shows a lack of respect for the person, and of course your significant other will pick up on the fact that you’re no longer (or never was) listening. If nobody’s listening, how can a relationship grow or thrive? Especially important is something called active listening, which shows your partner you’re actively engaged in the conversation.
As a Christian we may say, well, we are listening to God, oh now, I believe that to be a cop out to not take the responsibility to listen to our partner and adjust our behavior. We conveniently let God tell us we are OK, tell us this or that to console us while not paying attention to our personal actions that destroy our very relationship.
5. Kill the fun.
We hook up together in life for many reasons — shared perspectives and outlooks, physical attraction, shared spirituality, shared professional lives, etc. But we also enjoy one another’s company because it’s fun!
We all know that marriage is ‘WORK’ but at times we don’t realize how we begin to nullify the ‘fun’ part by our habitual behavior. What do I mean?
1.If we don’t get our way, the tantrum mode kicks in. Now don’t always think that a tantrum is loud and characterized by the child on the floor flailing hands and feet around. There can be a calculated verbal tirade, in very quite tone that has the same effect.
2.What it does is make the object of the outburst feel inadequate, lacking in whatever the verbal train carries as weight and results in the communication engine shutting down.
When fun leaves a relationship, it can be a sign that the relationship is heading to the rocks. Fun is a part of life and it’s definitely a part of any healthy relationship. By the way, fun is not joking about your partner in ways that denigrate or makes them fell less than they should.
6. Nitpick.
Boy, how we are guilty of this one! Many have probably nitpicked a few past relationships into an early death. Not because they wanted to, but because it was a personal concern whose impact the individuals never fully understood (until it was too late).
Nobody likes being told what to do, or how to do it. While some people may be more open to “suggestions” than other from their helpful partner, it can also be seen as nitpicking for little good reason.
Really? There’s a “better” way to clean the sink? That’s nice… use it the next time you do it then.
When you want to nitpick nowadays, just keep in mind that if you want to go to the trouble of offering unrequested advice, you might as well suggest you do it yourself.
Nitpicking may be a sign of needing to “control” others, but it may also just be a sign of the way some people were brought up. In any case, it’s a bad habit and one you should try and curtail in your relationship.
One aspect of nitpicking I’ve noticed is the constant correction that some spouses offload on the other. I was in an airport recently and noticed an older African American couple, the female was constantly badgering the male, go here, go there, do this do that! I watched him, his demeanor and his body language - it was as if he had resigned himself to listening and ignoring.
This may have not been a big issue for a couple married for fifty years, but let me caution you that it is a problem for new relationships. No one likes to be badgered and even if there are mistakes made, sometimes we should just let it be. Human beings make mistakes and constantly needling someone will never bring the fruit of a good sound relationship to the reality of our lives.
7. Threaten.
Wow, threatening your significant other is such a turn-on. Yeah, no it’s not. Whether you’re threatening to leave, chop off a bit of anatomy, tell someone’s parents, or find a better life in Maui, it’s never a good sign for a healthy relationship.
I encountered the threats of family members knowing this or that, the threat of what others might say about your relationship. None of this serves Godly or a positive purpose in your relationship. What will inevitably happen, sometime sooner or later is that the object of the threats will just take you to task and begin to ignore or just not do what is being demanded. Human nature is phenomenally complex, and the very thing that we want we begin to cause to not come to us because of our behavior. Please read, “Leadership and Self Deception” by the Arbinger Group – it is an eye opening discussion of how we cause ourselves to miss out on expectations because our actions nullify or void the very thing we are desiring.
Threats are often made in an act of desperation or feeling like a situation is out of control — the threat is an attempt to regain control. However, threats are juvenile and more suited for children’s temper tantrums than an adult, mature relationship. When a partner resorts to threats, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship’s long-term potential. And, if the threats start day one, what may be concluded?
8. Ignore your partner’s life and passion.
They say the one thing worse than being hated by someone is simply to be ignored by them. Being ignored means the person doesn’t even care enough to waste the energy of anger on you or your heart’s passion.
Some of us believe that when we get into a new relationship, one must drop everything and take up your passion, your desire, your purpose. That is a clearly one sided approach to relationship, have you ever considered what makes your partner get up in the morning, what is their hearts desire? And when they share, what do you say; do you minimize their thoughts, life, history and accomplishments? Or, do you encourage and support them in what they are doing and allow them to join you? So many of us are selfish and one sided in our approach to fall/winter relationships where family must be forgotten, career must be dropped and friends must go to facilitate something new.
SUMMARY
Let’s come back to reality, our life and its relationships require WORK between two, it cannot be one sided and the blame game like a tennis ball being lobbed across the net. Sometimes we feel that before we can get one return, several balls have come across to our side.
Is there an answer to all of this? Yes, an introspective look at what we have in our life that has contributed to bad habits, deep hurting words and actions that sear into our partners heart and life and renders them calloused or wounded enough to never want to have another relationship. Can we recover, yes, but it must be a personal look inside, stop trying to forgive the other, stop trying to figure out the other, begin to review yourself and determine what is necessary for the future.
As a well know chorus says, “it not about me!”
.
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